Tag Archives: catholic marriage

Perfect marriages don’t exist….

16 years of marriage!!!!!

I tell you….I love my marriage.  

To say that I married my best friend would be accurate.

I was reading this beautiful post that my husband wrote about me on facebook, when he stated:

“Happy 16th year of wedded bliss to my best friend and amazingly beautiful wife. I am so blessed to walk beside you through this journey of life towards the kingdom of our Lord. You are the most beautiful and loving person I have ever met and best of all your all mine! Love you”

I believe every word of this.

I believe that he truly feels this way.

Because we have put so much of our time, energy, and ourselves into this marriage.

He has not always felt this way about me.

In fact, there was a time when he wasn’t sure that all of this was “worth it”.

little family 3

I know because I was so tired, so frustrated, so sick of trying to “explain myself”…..and list was endless.

I was a tired mom of young children who felt so misunderstood.

I felt:

He didn’t understand me.

He thought the worst of me.

He was so selfish.

He was always angry, and I was sick of hearing him talk about it.

If you were to ask him, he would say that he felt:

She doesn’t respect how hard I work.

She doesn’t budget our money well.

She always wanted to stay at home, and now she’s just not happy.

She’s always complaining about something.

We were financially struggling, and the burden was heavy.

We weren’t suppose to feel this way about each other. No one could know these struggles.

From the outside, we looked happy but the fighting was just too much.

Our children were so precious to us, so we chose to focus on them.

We made every day about the kids for weeks…months…a year.

We had three children in a tiny apartment. Our third, a baby, was living in our “walk in” closet. We had one car, which he took to work everyday, while I felt smothered in this tiny apartment with three little ones.

Nothing was easy….the kitchen sink was too small. Our kitchen was tiny so it made preparing dinner so frustrating. The laundry room was downstairs, so I would have to trek downstairs with three kiddos in tow.  I would come down later to find that same laundry thrown in my basket wrinkled, as someone else had changed the load. I would have to grocery shop when the hubs got home so that involved not “forgetting” anything that was needed for dinner.

I was too tired to argue…but there was so much frustration that we fought about everything.

Countless nights I would wait for him to go to bed, and I would crawl into bed crying.

How did we get here? This wasn’t the guy that I dated. This wasn’t what I signed up for….

It was so easy to just stay angry. So easy to call all my girlfriends and bitch about my husband and how men are so frustrating.

Let’s be honest, I could have created a list of “justifable” reasons that I could be angry.

We can always find people willing to allow us to vent, but we also need to seek out people who will help us to change the course of what is going on.

I happened to be blessed with an amazing brother in law who would allow me to call him and vent about my frustations. He loved my husband and would provide me “insight” into my husband and share his marriage’s similar struggles. He was a tremendous “bridge” that connected our two worlds.

You see….he helped me to see what I always knew to be true……

Perfect marriages don’t exist. 

I don’t think that any of us truly believe that they do.

However, I think it’s easier for us to assume that others do not encounter our same struggle.

Why is it so hard for us to share the struggle? Why is it so hard to show our weakness?

Because when we leave our struggles “in the dark”,  we also keep Christ out of it. We reserve a part of our life to be handled by us alone. It’s only after seeing how we truly fail anything on our own, that we lift our hearts in prayer to God and allow Him to bring us help.

I decided years ago that I wanted a better marriage.

I decided that I was going to fight for what we both wanted.

I knew that he was that same guy, and I was that same girl he loved. Some how, we let “life” and the “world” come between us.

We had stopped working on us.

And if you are struggling with some of these same feelings/issues..I have a few pieces of advice.

Make a decision to fight for your marriage…..and give your marriage to the Lord. Marriage is a decision. It’s a daily decision to love your spouse. Once you make this decision, it becomes the most important fight that you are in. It means rolling up your sleeves and conquering whatever hurdles you have together. It’s an “us against the world” mentality not a “you against me”. It means waking up daily, and asking the Lord to bless your marriage and any roadblocks for that day. I wrote a great blog about fighting for your marriage here. 

*I will never advocate remaining in a situation that involves cases of physical, mental or verbal abuse. Please seek professional help if you are in this situation. I believe that God can work miracles in your relationship, but that might require distance and professional help first. You are a child of God and worthy of much more.

us

Always think the best of him. Assume the best so that you are never overly critical. It’s so much easier to think the best, then to apologize for rushing to judgment. Trust that he loves you and would never want to hurt you intentionally.

“I’m sure he meant to get to these dishes. The kids must have been tough tonight.” Instead of, “what an ass! He knows I don’t want to do all these dishes”. I’ve done that second one a few times and it bit me in the ass. haha. I know I leave the dishes until the morning if it’s crazy-ville and should give him the same courtesy.

Be open and honest. This is super important. Communication is key. I can tell my husband anything. I mean anything….. We don’t have “big discussions” because we don’t need to. We work out everything together. I have a certain way that I like things, and other things I don’t care about. We sat down and talked about who would handle what, and what decisions we wanted to be the “voice” of and what decisions the other person could handle. I know how he likes to be loved, and the things I can do to support him.

Honor the stuff that is important to each other.  I honor the stuff that is important to him, and he respects my decisions about stuff that is important to me. I used to hate football….I know…it’s hard to admit. I decided years ago that I would just honor his love for the game. I would make these cute spreads since I loved appetizers and hosting. Then, I would sit and watch the games with him. I was content to eat and hang out, he was content to hang with me and watch the game. What was a “sacrifice” turned into a love of the game. We now have complete ND rituals with songs and gear…haha.

Notre dame

He knows how important “girl time” is to me. He makes sure I always have some wine in the bar, and often will just suggest that I “go out by myself for a few hours”. This past fall, he flew me to Atlanta to surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. It was just an amazing time. As I rocked with her on her porch with a cold beer in my hand, I got a text message that said “I love you. Don’t let her pay for anything this weekend.” As a single mom, he wanted my girlfriend to feel supported and cared for. It spoke volumes into her heart and mine. Whenever I mention a “girls’ night” or a “girls’ weekend”, he always helps me to make it happen.

Laugh. I can’t tell you how much this man makes me laugh. Even when I’m trying to be serious and discuss something with him. There is nothing better than laughter and what joy it brings to the heart. We constantly have inside jokes, or make references to Seinfeld, King of Queens, or The Office episodes. If you know my husband in real life, he is truly one of the funniest people EVAH……

Put each other first. Trust me. I love my kiddos. If you flip through my instagram, you can see how much I love the joy that they bring to our home. However, my husband always comes first. For us, that means plenty of date nights, yearly vacations alone, and just time together. Every saturday, we take our coffee and tea into our sitting room, and chat about the week ending and the week approaching. The kids know not to enter this room at this time. It’s our sacred time weekly. We cuddle and just relax.  In addition, Now that my oldest has started babysitting for us, we have also been able to slip out for breakfast few times a month together.

anniversary breakfast

Perfect marriages do not exist. But good marriages do.

They are the product of love, and selfless actions on the part of each other.

They are built brick by brick into the beautiful home that others see.

So…embrace the fight…embrace the struggle…and join countless other couples in fighting for a good marriage.

God bless,

Tammi

 

I do…..a lesson about finding your strength.

“I do….to the struggles. I do…to living selflessly for each other. I want you to build a wall of love that nothing can tear down. This wall that will surround these five blessings and give them security, peace, and endless love”….

 

I do.

The day started off innocent enough…I  woke up one Sunday with the desire to see the kids hit confession. Our family happens to be blessed with a local Shrine that offers confession for the 15-20 minutes before their 2:30 Mass. It’s super convenient to watch my three oldest hit the confessional and come out beaming. This Sunday, which I speak of, I did an examination of conscience with the kiddos while the hubby drove. Nothing super enlightening….your basic review of the 10 commandments with gentle “nudges” as to the areas that I saw some of them struggling with…haha.

Confession.

That sacrament that often we forget about. A sacrament, all too often underutilized, in our struggle to be Christ-like in a fallen world.

Our family would love to say that Confession is a monthly commitment like our other activities but it often isn’t. It can be anywhere between a month and a half to three months before our family goes or realizes how long it’s been.

But this time around, this little Polish priest had this unsuspecting mom crying through the first 20 minutes of Mass…with two little words….

As Mass was about to start, I saw the kids to our pew, after their confessions, and ducked into the confessional myself.

Image result for images of confession

Alright….clear my brain…..

Frustration. Quick to anger with the kiddos. Laziness. Being Judgmental

These guys knew that they were the usual culprits…haha.

As I started to roll out these guys, the priest stopped me at quick to anger with the kiddos.

“Oh…so you are a mom. How many kids?”

Five….

“Five?! Wow….you are a blessed and busy momma. And what are their ages?”

12, 10, 9, 6, 4…..

“Oh my goodness. So you are also a hard working mom.”

(insert a few tears….that was nice to hear)

“Let me ask you….do you have a good husband?”

(wait….what’s going on here. I’m just trying to remember which sins to confess and you are distracting me. And why do I feel so emotionally overwhelmed right now?)

(choking back tears) Yes…he’s a really good man. Great husband…great father….

“Then you have everything that you need…you just forget. I want you to work on the greatest strength that you have in trying to be a mom. You need to work on the strong bond of your marriage. This will give you the grace to raise your kids.”

(tears really flowing now….totally blindsided by his tender words that are hitting me so hard) um…ok.

(wait…..this is really heavy stuff….but also so simple)

“I want you to remember your wedding vows. Remember that day? Remember when you said I do? I want you to wake up everyday and say that. I want you to talk to your husband and I want you to remind him, lovingly, of those same two words and I want him to wake up thinking about the same, I do. I do….to the struggles. I do…to living selflessly for each other. I want you to build a wall of love that nothing can tear down. This wall that will surround these five blessings and give them security, peace, and endless love. This is where you will find the grace to be the gentle, loving mother, like Our Lady. ”

(searching for tissues in my purse, as I’m just a mess of tears. He can hear me sobbing.)

The only words I could muster up were…“Thank you..”

I wiped those tears and they just kept coming as I found the pew with my little family. I looked down at those five faces who I’ve been entrusted with and felt the hub’s arm run along my back and around me for a tight squeeze.

God has given such wisdom to our priests.

Thank you to that little polish priest for reaching into my heart and reminding me of the graces that God has already given me.

Thank you Lord for showing us the importance of the marital bond and the blessings that it bestows on the children.

Thank you Lord for reminding me that you are truly present in the sacrament of Confession and that you know all my sins before I bring them before you.

You desire this little heart to seek you in the “little ways” like St. Therese of Lisieux.

I pray that you find yourself in Confession soon….and that the Lord speaks truth in your heart.

But for today….find the “I do” that the Lord is requiring of you.

God Bless,

Tammi

 

 

 

 

 

 

World Marriage Day!

I was recently asked to join a “link up” of other Catholic bloggers to post something on Catholic Marriage in celebration of World Marriage Day.

What is World Marriage Day, you ask?

“World Marriage Day received a special blessing from Pope John Paul II in 1993 and is celebrated annually on the second Sunday of February. This year, it falls on the same day as Valentine’s Day. WMD’s website has a great list of ways you can celebrate with your spouse on this special day like looking at your wedding pictures together, telling your children how you met and fell in love, or doing something special for another married couple. The purpose of World Marriage Day is to examine the love in your marriage, how it used to be and how it has developed, and celebrate that love with your spouse.”- taken from Catholic Mommy blogs.

Anyone that know me, knows that I LOVE to talk about the hubs and our marriage. This June, we will be celebrating 15 years of marriage. We have had beautiful memories, painful growth spurts, “he’s an ass” moments (hahaha), and the “I’m sorry for my part in this argument” conversations. However, my favorite blog that I have written on this topic has to be “Are you a fighter” ,when I challenge others to really “fight” for their marriage. We are currently in a society that believes that when something is no longer “working”, we just “get a new one”. We rarely “fight” for things. Divorce is on the rise because there is often one spouse fighting for their marriage and the other spouse takes the easier road of just giving up.  If you feel like your marriage is lacking “passion” or “zeal”, I would recommend that you start with this blog post, and then move on to these other ones that I have written as “follow ups”.  I would also recommend reading  “Are you a fighter, part two”. and” advice for a newlywed.”

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This Catholic bloggers “link up” is a great resource to meet other Catholic mommy bloggers who share their own testimonials about Marriage and Catholic families. I hope that you will find some times this weekend to celebrate your marriage and read some of these inspiring and insightful blogs.

God bless,

Tammi