It was my word of the year.
I had no idea what it meant.
Was I going to get an abundance of grace this year, Lord?
Was I going to need a lot of grace to get through this year?
Yesterday, I sat in the church pew and the tears flowed.
I was in so much pain. Some physical but really so much emotional pain.
The hubs is sick….and I can’t barely get around.
What is going on, Lord?
Just two days ago, I was on my family vacation at the Jersey shore. Everything was suppose to be perfect. I had booked this rental 6 months ago and after a long homeschooling year, I was looking forward to some fun in the sun.
Don’t get me wrong…the family time was invaluable. Everything seemed to be lined up…perfect weather, a great rental property, plenty of family to share these precious moments with……
It was about day three when the hubs got sick. If you had read about our situation here, the hubs can’t get sick. (About a week before vacation, he was diagnosed with a rare pneumonia, and was finishing up the antibiotics for the first few days of vacation.)
It just seemed like such a hard blow.
I had so many plans…..renting bikes, late evening walks on the beach, cuddling on the porch with the ocean breeze…..but now I just had to worry about whether our vacation was going to require a hospital visit.
I lay next to him at night unable to sleep.
I could hear the pain as he coughed all night long.
Then the fever ensued…and the cold chills.
I would listen to him toss and turn and wince in pain.
In the morning, I cleaned up a night stand of tissues, and I watched him struggle to breathe.
Unspoken promises kept.
For the sake of the kiddos, just continue with vacation……
As I sunscreened my kiddos, I tried to conceal the heartache.
As I dragged my beach chair and umbrella up the beach entry in the sand, I wanted to scream, yell, and just toss them across the distance.
Watching all the dads and uncles in the water with the children, while my husband lay in a bed back at our beach house.
A beach house that he was suppose to be enjoying.
A beach vacation that our family was taking because of all of his hard work….
There were no answers, just tears….
However, normalcy is just easier. Blend in. Look like everything is ok.
I sat on the beach watching the fireworks with our extended family holding back tears….it just didn’t seem fair.
This was our vacation….so why did I feel so alone?
I’m reminded of the lyrics in the song Need you Now by Plumb. “How many times have you heard me cry out, ‘God please take this’. How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need you. God, I need you now.”
Everything seems doable if I can just push myself and manage it.
But what happens when I am just too weak?
The arthritis in my hip joint has gotten so bad in the past few months, that I started my first cortizone shot about a month ago. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize what relief it was giving me, until it wore off on vacation….and the seering pain returned.
Walking the boardwalk was just too hard.
But there was boardwalk fries and ice cream promised, and the joy of rides to experience…so I continued on.
With each step, I took a breath as the pain shot from my hip joint down into my knee.
Smiling as I climbed the stairs to bring in the groceries…..and the pain seered.
Carrying a sleeping 6 year old off the beach at night…..more pain.
I drove home from the shore barely able to switch my foot between the gas and the break pedals.
Please, Lord…..I am breaking down.
St. Paul’s words to the Corinthians seems to speak right to my heart, “My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.
So here I am, Lord.
I’m so broken.
I’m so weak…physically and emotionally.
It’s all for you, Lord.
I believe that your power is made perfect in weakness.
Show your power, Lord.